I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
