I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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