I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
