Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
