My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
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