It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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