I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
