I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
