he thought i was a dude.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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