Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
