Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
