Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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