you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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