my mouth tastes like poor choices
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
