you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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