I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
