i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
