He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize