You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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