why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
