Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
