xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize