From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How does one acquire holy water?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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