I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
