I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Michael Bay diarrhea
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
