I can tuck mytits in my pants
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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