he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
