I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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