I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize