I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
