Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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