This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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