We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
