Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
