In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
