I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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