Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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