if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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