she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
