and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
