did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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