I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I look better un-naked...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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