I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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