did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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