I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
