I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
