well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
