I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
