Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
