how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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