Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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