I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
