Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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