I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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