My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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