Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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