Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
