I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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