thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
