i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
