I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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