This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You ate ashes out of my bong
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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