I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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