Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I wish there were birth control emojis
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
