Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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