If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize