the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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