Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
