the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize