I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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