My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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