Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize