i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
