Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize