you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
